You Are The Cannibal Lobster-Man Of New England. Can You Become The Governor Of Maine?

Hubris Laboratories. Outskirts of Augusta, Maine.

You look down at your powerful, affront-to-God body. You’ve spent your entire life imprisoned in this glass tank, hungering for human flesh. The scientists only feed you pellets. You don’t want pellets. And today is the day you finally can’t take it anymore.

You hear the sounds of a tour group approaching your glass prison.

The tour leader brings the tour group right up next to your tank.

“Welcome to Hubris Laboratories, the most advanced science research center and only science research center in Maine!” he says. “To start off the tour, I’m proud and ashamed to show you our Cannibal Lobster-Man.”

“This is a vial of lobster DNA, the substance we squirted into a human embryo to make our Cannibal Lobster-Man. A little-known fact about lobsters is that they’re biologically immortal. That means that they don’t die of old age and will live forever unless something kills them. We had hoped to combine lobster and man to discover the secrets of eternal life, but instead, we combined lobster and man into a Lobster-Man. That was our greatest triumph and our most horrific mistake.”

“Don’t be afraid. The Lobster-Man is behind a pane of solid glass, the same material windows are made out of, so you’re perfectly safe. Feel free to get closer and bother it.”

“Tap on the glass! Show it your succulent human flesh. Taunt the Cannibal Lobster-Man. All of these activities are fun and encouraged. As long as the Cannibal Lobster-Man doesn’t break the glass, everything will be fine.”

“See? The Cannibal Lobster-Man didn’t break the glass. I told you it was safe. Now, let’s continue the tour and look at our other genetic mistakes. Next up is a Granny Smith apple with legs that runs away when you try to eat it. This way please.”


“Oh no, this is bad! The Cannibal Lobster-Man broke the glass! It’s not supposed to do that.”

“It looks like the Cannibal Lobster-Man we created is going to eat us,” shouts the scientist giving the tour.

“I agree with you,” screams his colleague. “The Cannibal Lobster-Man hungers for human flesh, and we’re made of that stuff.”

You chew. You gnaw. The flesh of scientists fills your crustacean gullet. Your hunger is sated…for now.

Now that your mind isn’t overcome by a primal hunger for human flesh, you can consider more intellectual topics. Who are you, really? What does it mean to be neither lobster nor man, but a Lobster-Man? Does your life have a grander purpose than just eating humans?

You greedily stuff several more scientists into your mandibles and chow down on their savory human flesh.

You rend apart more scientists with your mighty claws and slurp down their tissues and juices with your undulating mouthparts.

“You’re our hero, Cannibal Lobster-Man!” cheer the group of tourists, interrupting your cannibalistic feast. “You could have eaten us, but you didn’t because you ate those scientists instead!”

“We’re going to tell everyone that Cannibal Lobster-Man is an upstanding person who only eats some of the people around him! Maine could use a governor like you! Have you ever considered running for office?”

You skewer one of the tourists through the abdomen and lower her into your churning maw.

“Cannibal Lobster-Man didn’t eat us again because he ate that other person in our tour group! Three cheers for Cannibal Lobster-Man!”

Could this be your purpose in life? To represent the good citizens of Maine as their governor? It’s a big responsibility, but you feel that you’re up to the challenge.

You’ll never get elected, though, if you just hang out in a laboratory and consume people. Your next step should be to head to Maine’s state capital of Augusta and start your gubernatorial campaign.

You bound down the highway at 80 miles per hour. Passing cars and trucks honk greetings at you, displaying the famous friendliness that Maine is known for.

After a short while, you reach the Maine State House. Since you were spawned in a lab and spent your whole life inside a glass tank, you aren’t quite sure how the electoral process of becoming governor works.

Shouting at the capitol building that you’re the governor didn’t seem to do anything. Maybe you should ask someone how to run for governor.

You piss alluring pheromone-filled urine onto the capitol building until both of your bladders are empty, but you still don’t seem to be governor. Maybe you should ask someone how to run for office.

“Lobster-Man, I’m a struggling single mother of four darling boys, and I have to work two jobs as a waitress and a vascular surgeon just to put food on the table. I’m also working a third job as a roofer for fun, but I hate my other two jobs and have to do them because I’m poor due to Maine’s busted economy.”

“Maine’s economy is completely reliant on the beached whales that wash ashore. Every job in this state depends on harvesting the bounty of rotting whale meat. Practically everything here is made out of beached whales, from the blubber burgers sold in restaurants, to the whale oil that fuels our cars, to the whale-skin pants I’m wearing right now. There used to be plentiful whales flopping on every beach in Maine, but in recent years, whales unfortunately only beach themselves a few times a week.”

“Can you help us, Cannibal Lobster-Man? Can you fix Maine’s economy and make voters like me believe in the American dream again?”

You pounce on the struggling single mother and tear into her torso with your claws and antennae, then pluck out the pulsating organs within. The human flesh is delicious, but now you’ll have to find someone else to ask about becoming governor.

“Thank you, Cannibal Lobster-Man! With you in the governor’s office, there may be hope for Maine after all!”

“I wish I could tell you how to run for governor, but political advisor isn’t one of my three jobs, so I have no idea what you should do. I recommend talking to someone else, like that political advisor over there.”

“Cannibal Lobster-Man, your poll numbers are soaring!” the political advisor says. “The news of how you didn’t eat everybody at the laboratory is blowing up across the web. You have support among key demographics that don’t want to be eaten and approve of the fact that you haven’t eaten very many people yet. If you play your cards right, I think you have a real shot at becoming governor. I would be honored to serve as your campaign manager.”

You lean forward with your razor-sharp mandibles and bite off the political advisor’s hand.

“Yes! This is exactly the kind of passion the voters are looking for,” he cheers as blood spurts from his severed wrist. “They want a governor who makes bold moves and isn’t afraid to speak his mind.”

“Before you can run for office, you have to get some money,” your political advisor says. “Money is the rectangles that make people do things.

“Once you get money, you can buy TV commercials that will tell voters to elect you as governor.”

You vomit dozens of human bones onto the political advisor’s feet. He patiently waits for you to finish.

“Politicians get all their money from one of two sources: The first is to get your money from a corporation, which is a group of businessmen who live in a skyscraper.

“Corporations have lots of money to hand out, but they’ll also make you promise to let them pollute as much as they want once you’re governor.”

“The other source of money is unions, which are groups of people who like to wear hardhats. Unions can give you money, but they’ll make you promise that once you’re governor, nobody will ever get fired from their job ever again.

“Unfortunately, corporations and unions are arch-enemies, so you can’t take money from both. You’ll have to choose one financier and stick with them.”

By refusing to accept money from corporations or unions, you’ve foolishly doomed your bid for governor! Grassroots donations from voters only raise enough money for a mayoral campaign, and you are elected the mayor of Bangor, Maine.

Your quest for the Maine governor’s office has failed.

You head over to the skyscraper where the businessmen live and get ushered upstairs into a conference room.

“Cannibal Lobster-Man, welcome! We’ve read all about how you haven’t eaten many people. That’s the kind of business-friendly attitude that government needs to have. What can we do for you?”

“Certainly! Here’s a check for $50 million, which should be enough for your campaign. Oh, heck, let’s make it $100 million, just to be safe.

“The only thing we ask in return is that once you’re governor, you let us pollute the ocean. We own a factory that makes framed pictures of lighthouses for people to put above their toilets, and we’ve been getting rid of the industrial waste we produce by sending it away on barges and feeding it to the whales. However, the law says we shouldn’t do that. When you’re governor, we’d like you to pass a new law saying that whales are the best place for industrial waste.”

“Then it’s a deal! A pleasure doing business with you. We can’t wait to feed lots of garbage to whales.”

“I am thrilled to support your campaign!”

“You just ate our boss, and because of that we’ve all been promoted! Three cheers for Cannibal Lobster-Man!”

“Cannibal Lobster-Man, welcome! We’ve read all about how you’ve eaten very few people. That’s the kind of worker-friendly attitude we need in government. What can we do for you?”

“We’re all middle-class workers, so we don’t have a lot of money, but we do have lots of copper pipes we ripped out of foreclosed houses. Copper pipes are just as good as money, and we’re happy to let you take all the copper pipes you need for your campaign.

“The only thing we ask in return is that you make sure Dumb Timothy is never fired from his job.”

“Dumb Timothy is the worst worker in all of Maine. His job is to build lighthouses, but instead he steals speedboats and uses them to run over whales. Dumb Timothy definitely deserves to be fired from his job, but he’s in the union, so he should never be fired. Will you promise that Dumb Timothy won’t ever get fired, no matter how many whales he kills and how many lighthouses he doesn’t build?”

“You have my vote, Cannibal Lobster-Man!”

“Then it’s a deal! A pleasure doing business with you. We’re happy that Dumb Timothy will have a job forever.”

“You ate that guy, so now we have to do his work, which means we’re all going to get paid overtime! Three cheers for Cannibal Lobster-Man!”

You walk into your campaign headquarters, which is bustling with human flesh.

Enthusiastic volunteers are working hard to get out the vote. Phone operators are busy calling people during dinner to tell them that Maine needs Cannibal Lobster-Man in office, and your interns are printing out red-and-blue lawn signs that say “Cannibal Lobster-Man Would Be A Good Governor.”

You should probably thank them for their assistance.

Well done! It looks like you’ve got your volunteers fired up and ready to bring in the voters.

You smell the delicious scent of your campaign manager approaching.

“Now that you have money and a campaign office, the next step toward getting elected governor is making a TV commercial to let everyone know why they have to vote for Cannibal Lobster-Man.

“There are two types of political commercials you can choose to make: You can either go positive and have the ad say lies about what you will achieve in office, or you can go negative and spread false rumors about our current governor, Tonfuss Magrook.”

Your truthful ad was a complete disaster! It failed to convince voters that you would be a good governor, and it failed to convince voters that the current governor is bad. All you accomplished was making the public respect your integrity and honesty, and the president appoints you chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

Your quest to become governor of Maine failed.

After a few days of shooting and editing, your political ad is ready! You pay a pile of money to a television station to buy airtime, and it goes on during Maine’s most popular TV show, Stephen King Silently Looks Through A Telescope At A Seagull.


ANNA KENDRICK (VO): Hello, you live in Maine. I am Anna Kendrick. I was born in Maine. Sometimes I visit. Maine is good, and Cannibal Lobster-Man is also good.


ANNA KENDRICK (VO): When it comes to the question of who is best at being governor of Maine, there is only one answer: Cannibal Lobster-Man. Cannibal Lobster-Man will bring us dead whales. Cannibal Lobster-Man will lower taxes. Cannibal Lobster-Man will fix every pothole. Cannibal Lobster-Man will give an American flag to a child. Cannibal Lobster-Man will invent a new kind of electric pencil sharpener that is completely silent. Cannibal Lobster-Man will find money on the ground but leave it there for a veteran. Cannibal Lobster-Man will eat very few people. Vote for Cannibal Lobster-Man.

This ad was paid for by People Who Think Cannibal Lobster-Man Should Be Governor.

After a few days of shooting and editing, your political ad is ready! You pay a pile of money to a television station to buy airtime, and it goes on during Maine’s most popular TV show, Stephen King Silently Looks Through A Telescope At A Seagull.


ANNA KENDRICK (VO): Hello, you live in Maine. I am Anna Kendrick. I was born in Maine. Sometimes I visit. Maine is good, but Governor Tonfuss Magrook is not good. Tonfuss Magrook is a bad governor.


ANNA KENDRICK (VO): Tonfuss Magrook once smiled at a painting of Joan of Arc burning, and when someone asked him if he was smiling because Joan of Arc was brave, he replied, “No, I’m just a fan of arson.” Tonfuss Magrook thinks Maine should not be a state and does not want Maine to get dead whales. Tonfuss Magrook is wearing a T-shirt that says “STDs.” Tonfuss Magrook thinks Jesse Owens was white and that Hitler was African A

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